dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
