so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
