i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ketchup is God's man juice
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
