Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
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Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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