I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
