Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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