Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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