Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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