cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
