I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
