Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
