I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
