I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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