I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
