I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
