I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
