I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
