you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
