If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
