just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
