apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
