4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
