there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
