life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
