Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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