My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
