he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
