I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
