I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
