Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
