I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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