i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
