kristin has been a bad kristin
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
