There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
