I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am one with the molecules
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
