i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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