she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
