if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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