I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My breath smells like gin and sadness
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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