I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize