I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
