I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
