There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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