I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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