i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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