dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
