Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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