if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
