It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
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Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
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