capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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