last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
