It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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