if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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