some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
